The journey from loneliness to solitude....Let me pick up from where I left off. I know this topic needs a book to deal with in all fairness, all the aspects of loneliness. Today I want to encourage a lot of introspection. I know introspection with complete honesty is very difficult for most people. Yet , to find a solution, one always needs to be brutally honest, at least, with themselves. Let talk from the point of view of laws of attraction.
DO you, want to be in a relationship, just to feel secure, feel loved, feel attractive, feel needed?
Do you always look to receive more than you want to give?
Do you feel lost, insecure, depressed, unhappy, bereft of an identity if you don't have a romantic partner or spouse?
How do you feel if someone wants to end a relationship with you?
Are you clinging to a person long after all happiness has left the relationship?
Is fear of being alone the only reason, you are trying to make things work, by compromising and putting up with obnoxious behaviour?
Do you give in to emotional blackmail for fear of losing the person?
I want you to think carefully before you answers these questions....
The answers you give to yourself will give you a clue to what you're attracting in your life. The law of attraction works on a very simple equation. It give you whatever it is that you really want, it also by the same law( logic), gives you everything , you really , really don't want. What I mean here is, the universe does not distinguish, it just knows intensity of emotional charge behind thoughts. The more your focus is on void ( you will know you're operating from a void consciousness if you use the words need, want, require a lot) , by focus I mean when you keep hoping something won't happen, you can guarantee it will. If you're using a person to find meaning to your life, bring joy or excitement, a fulfilment , which you are incapable of feeling in their absence, the relationship you attract in your life, will simply amplify that void. That is how simple the law of attraction is. What is incomplete cannot attract something complete, your void consciousness will seek validation and find validation of the void, by making it your reality.
The reason, I keep emphasising on introspection and working on self improvement, is not to highlight what you lack, but rather to make you love yourself, accept your self, because only when you do, will another person. Giving love, while carrying feelings of being a martyr or a door mat will ensure that's how you will end up getting treated. When you love yourself, find your self interesting and attractive, that's how other's will perceive you too.
This brings me to the next point. Take a good look at yourself and you life, your routine and ask your self....Would I date/ marry myself?
Your own answer may shock you, if you're brutally honest. If you are a person with no interests, you don't like your body ( this has nothing to do with your height, weight, colour), if your life is home-work-home, if you don't have hobbies, friends lets say, if you have no life... Why on earth would another person want to be with you and spend most of their time with you. It could be the reverse too. If you treat others as though they are there to serve you, help you with your chores, take you out, give you a good time in bed, take care of your homes and kids and ask for nothing in return, again why would anyone want to be with such a person? Does this mean you're doomed to never have a healthy, long term relationship? No, its just means you need to work on those areas of your life. Self improvements, is a life long task, every few weeks your months, you need to make an inventory , to check what needs servicing, up-gradation, what skills need polishing. Complacency is bad for your own growth as well as for your current / potential relationship. Become what you'd like to see in a partner, if you like humour, brush up your humour bone too, you like to be cared for, become caring, you get the picture. become someone you'd love to hang out with, date and marry.
The third very important aspect to think about is, how much baggage are you carrying, since your childhood and dumping it on the back of someone you're trying to have a relationship with. Trust me very few are the lucky ones to have trauma free childhood, we all have scars from our childhood. What about relationship patterns. Patterns with parents, siblings, are you still seeking out a person who plays out those dramas in your life? What about baggage's from your past romantic relationships? Do you carry them around like proud martyr badges of sad glory? Do you resolve never to forget? Every time you get over a relationship, wipe your slate clean. Start like you're a virgin emotionally. Build no walls around your heart and a road map from your past relationship into the current one. No two people are alike, so how can two relationships be alike. What you learn from a past relationship, is about you and your behavior, not about another person. Just because your ex had phone sex with other women does not mean, this current person will too, your paranoia will just drive him nuts. Your past, is the past, leave it there. To learn more about this watch out for my upcoming blog: Broken Hearts Anonymous
I would like to end this piece, with a small tip to make a relationship that seems to be slipping away or going downhill maybe come back on track. I do hope you will use the above pointers to work on yourself and get over dependency on your spouse. I would like to share, what I call the see-saw syndrome....You see, every relationship works out a certain balance for itself. Both parties are never equal givers . Each persons, brings their whole to the table, a lot of times complementing each other. A woman may nurture more than the man does, the man may bring goofiness. The delicate balance is like a see-saw. Both children have to sit perhaps at different distance from the centre depending on the difference of weights. Now if you feel your partner is moving away, tipping the see-saw, you need to move away too. If he's over it, he will get off and go, if he's interested, he will then move closer to restore the balance. What I mean is, if one is feeling the need for space, perhaps mentally, emotionally or physically, give it. You're not the only one who wants the relationship. Move a tad behind on your side of the see-saw, the other person will come closer....
In today's world, relationships have lost the predictability and stability of the olden times. Where as some still crave for the old school definitions others want to define them according to their life style. There are some who are like children in a candy store, who want to sample it all and can't make up their minds. The important thing is to not let your relationship define who you are as a person. Learn to enjoy solitude as much as the company of the person you love. Create a life for the two of you together, yet get a life of your own....