Thursday, 5 January 2012

Afraid of moving forward....

Last week was an emotional roller coaster for me. I came back, exhausted physically and mentally. I am attempting to write, as much as I don't feel like it. I am aware, life is full of highs and lows. No two days are alike, in any aspect of life. It may be at work, it may with your spouse, it may be with regards to your family, there are always good days and bad. A person thinks and feels not only at various levels, but about multiple things that affect him from moment to moment. Last night I was thinking about the relevance of context. At work, we rarely share, what is going on in our person life, yet, severe illness of a loved one, going through a bad phase in your relationship, it all spills over at your work place too. Since no one is aware of the contest and no matter how much one tries to compartmentalise, it never happens completely. It goes the other way around too, stress related to work affects your personal life too.

I realised, to write about victories, I need to write about the challenges and the process that ensures that victory. Being a doctor does not mean, you or your family won't want ill. To be a good teacher, one needs to grow and learn everyday. Big problems are easier to handle, than small things that perturb you just a little bit, yet doesn't go away till you've addressed the issue. I realised, one of the most important thing as a tool is your will power. Not feeling like writing , for example, doesn't imply I won't write or that I have nothing to write about. Not wanting to get out of the comfort zone, no matter how bleak or dismal it might be, your will power is the tool that enable you to take one step at a time, to reach that dreaded change.

Change is frightening to most people varying only in degrees. Its the unpredictability , that scares us. We are afraid of how we will respond, what changes it will bring to our established life and routine and how it will change you as a person.Its not only the pessimistic who are afraid of change, even when we know the change may be for the better, it still scares us, we resist it, we use procrastination and excuses to not go forward in life. Its only when the stagnation hits us, we realise maybe we've waited too long.

I've been afraid too, I've been afraid of success. I'm afraid, with success, my husband and I won't have for each other. I'm afraid of going back to work, in case I will have to skip the sports day of my son or that I won't be home to listen to him, about his day at school. I'm afraid, my husband will come home so tired, he'll fall asleep without talking to me. Yet, I am aware I was happy and strong, when I knew I was contributing, when I was working. I have done social service and I've been in the cold world of the media, yet my level of happiness was consistent at both places, because I knew my time was being used in a worthy cause. I was doing my best, regardless of the results. Its only when I let fear get the better of me, that I become morose and sad. The times when my relationships didn't work out, I was in a low only on days when I felt, that might have been my last shot at a lasting relationship. The minute, I used my will power to shake off those dreadful thoughts, I worked on myself and kept going, I found my bearings again.

I know I'm not alone, one part of us, keeps telling us to give up, the other part in us, the part that is not only the survivor but the fighter is the one that leads us to victories. The victories could be spiritual, emotional, in career or physically getting over an illness. This part is led by your will power. Your will power is fuelled by acceptance of the current situation and a desire to accept the changes lying ahead.

The simple technique, I have found, to give the reins in the hands of my will power, is to stop thinking and to start doing, one step at a time. Stop thinking about the past or the future. Stop thinking about consequences or your past experiences. To just start doing from a clean slate. All the energy spent on thinking and fuelling fear can then be spent on moving forward. 

I ended up having a beautiful New Year, a grand reception, I bonded with my sister in law, because I stopped being afraid and took one step at a time. My physical and emotional exhaustion? Yes it will pass. For that all I need is rest and again to just remember the thrill of the roller coaster. Today I wrote, without thinking, I didn't want to, but my heart wanted to, I gave the reins to my will power and now that I'm done, my rest will be more peaceful.....


  1. Oh , I so understand and feel your predicament baby .... It is so true ... the fear of the unknown and the unseen can be dealt with logic and positive thought... the unexpected and sudden changes in the very environment and the people you know so closely is also very disturbing ... thats why i think ... the wise say live the moment to it's utmost potential ... you are philosopher who does not just say ... you have been through the deep in of turbulence and thats what makes your writing appealing and " That's-what-i-was feeling " type :)

  2. I loved reading the last part of the whole article... very simple and practical suggestion to solve such complex emotional turmoils

  3. It was wonderful reading the article specially the last bit. such a simple solution to complex emotional turmoils