Wednesday, 7 December 2011

When two people lose....

Divorce is an ugly word. I don't mean as a stigma. I have gone through one, a few of my friends have been through one. Divorce is plain ugly. It is painful not only to the two individuals, it divides your friends, hurts people close to you, it proves to your single friends marriage is just not worth it. No one wants to take sides of two people dear to them.At times as in case of parents they just have to cross over the fence to their child's side.

My ex husband is the only one ,to see a side to me which no one before or after has seen. A side, I did not know existed in me. I'm sure I can say the same for him. He is a lovely, charming man, people who know me say the same about me. I can look back now and understand, those screaming matches between us were not anger, yes, the words sounded angry and cruel, yet it came from a place within us, that was helpless. That part within me , that wanted him to hear me, understand I wanted his love, I wanted a happy marriage between us, I wanted the fights to go away. This fearful, afraid side of me, after a lot of attempts had turned into despair and came out in the form of anger. It was a miserable time. I remember I was reading a book to help couples then, called "I hate you, don't leave me" ....

We both were mature enough to not make our divorce ugly, basically we both are peace loving people. I did not demand alimony or a lot of other things that were legally my right. I was just relieved, the fights would be over. My current husband was going through something similar ,around the same time. Today another friend of mine is caught in this ugly web, that is steadily spiralling out of control. He wants to end it amicably, yet, I can understand the woman is hurting so bad, she wants to hurt back. She is claiming her pound of flesh. Another couple I know, the husband was wiped out by the wife. He is now starting his life over, with my friend, his wife, he is in his mid forties, he has to know build a home from scratch, build his savings again. None of us have ancestral property to fall back on, none of us have parental business to ensure a steady income.

One might think , divorce is an easy way out of a difficult situation. It is NOT. Divorce, drains you like nothing else ever can. For years to come, you replay in your mind every scene from your marriage, what either one of you could have done differently. The first year, you feel you were correct, the second you start to give leeway to your ex-spouse, then ,comes  a time you wonder why it even happened. I speak for myself here, but I'm sure most couples who separated feel the same sentiments in some way. The emotions take the longest to heal, financially you both have to start over, families take time to forgive you. There is sticky, gluey sludge you have to cross in order to make it to the other side.

I write about this, divorce now, because I realised there is nothing you can say or do as a friend or therapist , there are no tips or advice , no guidelines to make coping with a divorce easier. I realised, marriage to the correct person, for the right reasons is of utmost importance. All I could say to my friend was, now that you have to go through it, do it gracefully, keep your friends close. I realised ,why ever religion in the world condemns a divorce. It rips your heart and home ,into two, lucky few get theirs mended over time. Old insecurities linger on into your future. It takes a lot of courage to entrust your heart to another person. I understood today, in a divorce no one is right no one emerges the victor, two people lose, this is one loss, no one can help you with.

I, in no way advocate staying with a spouse who abuses you, cheats on you, throws away your money. I always propagate self love, before trying to love another. Taking beatings emotionally, physically or in any other way, is a sign self love is not there, all I'm saying is divorce is not easy, I wish the people around, would understand that. I wish people would stop asking what went wrong. I wish people stopped treating divorcees as lepers. I wish people understood, it takes a lot of hell before two people quit on their marriage.Be gentle with them. Hug a friend going through a bad marriage, that's all you can really do.....

1 comment:

  1. ... god made us very different from each other in every aspect ... no one is similar in any manner ... so is their response to the storms in life are different .. some are very alert to the forecast and take steps to save themselves and their world around ... some wait for the for the storms to appear on the horizon ... some wait out the storms ... some like to be in the eye of the storm... and some chase it ... well they are all justified .. all are built to play their respective games ... but how they weather these big tornadoes and the small eddies of life is just what this passage is all about .. on second thoughts the after taste is not at all something to be savored... nice penmanship