The last two generations have suffered. They suffered as children of a generation that did not understand them, did not support their dreams, tried to use military rule in the house. Today, as parents themselves, they suffer, because they don't know how to set boundaries....
I may not have enough data to support my case here, and perhaps the demographics I have, ( my friends, classmates, colleagues, clients) are skewed. even so, I believe I tapped into something here. During my three years in Germany, parenthood, was an eye opener for me. Parents there knew how to set limits with an understanding, that children are individuals too. Every Individual, young or old, have certain basic needs, food, rest, safety, sex to name a few. They have individual thoughts, understanding, questions that need answering and dreams/desires. German parents seem to understand this very well.
I remember my first visit to the gynaecologist there, apart from my story, I was so impressed when I was informed that most mothers there, bring their daughters in for their check ups as well as get them on contraceptive pills. I was , to be honest a bit scandalised and I spoke to my doctor about it. She explained to me, this one step ensures there are very rare cases of teenage pregnancies. It teaches the daughters to take responsibility for their bodies and their actions.
I met few girls,who got married very young, I found that odd, I thought they have so much freedom, why did they throw it all away? I spoke to one, who had married an Indian, she said, she fell in love, she had explored her sexuality, she was happy in her job, she was ready for marriage. I marvelled at her maturity at such a young age. In India, parents still insist on choosing your career and your spouse for you. They decide what age is appropriate for marriage. Suddenly people are getting married in their late 20s and even 30s, yet the parents believe their children have no sex drive.Mumbai, is perhaps one City here in India, where young people have an open sex life. I doubt they are open about it with their parents.
I remember when my first friend in Germany, broke up with her long term steady boy friend, she took leave from her studies and crashed at her parents place. She refused to go out to meet friends, stopped taking calls. Her parents nurtured her, they understood her pain. She was never broken to the extent I've seen Indian girls, because she had the cushion of her parents love and support. She knew they were there for her.
Another friend of my ex-husband and mine was the son of a very rich doctor there. They openly discussed death and his will. His two elder sisters and he, openly told their father, they would like to sell their huge house, because they would not live there and the money would help them start their lives. It was amazing how openly, and without malice children and parents there spoke about every thing under the sun. I wouldn't dare say a lot of things to my parents for fear of being called rude, impertinent, shameless and lot more things. I can never openly tell them when things they say and do hurt me. I can never expect them to understand forget support me in case of a broken heart. I know they will judge me by certain standard of decorum and "good girl" parameters from a different century.
The children of this generation, went to another extreme. They hated the boundaries that were so stifling. They couldn't rebel more than an extent,, and today , with their children they are just no boundaries. No limits to the toys, no bed time, I am not kidding when I say I've seen children 8 years and younger , out at restaurants and movie theatre past 12 or 1. I see them at wedding and parties. They throw tantrums, get cranky, the parents over indulgent swing into suddenly strict, confusing the child. Parents, allow the children to watch television shows with content of sexual nuances, double meaning jokes, violence, without explaining sex or the beautiful aspect of it to their children. Our boys grow up expecting all women to wear slinky clothes and be sex objects or dull , drab, ugly women with no men in their lives. Either their life is filled to the very hour , by extra curricular activities or they are just left to their own devices. The parents want to continue their lives, have fun , go partying, they want to work and enjoy the freedom. No one is willing to make sacrifices. Either maids end up raising the children, or the children are exposed to things they shouldn't be at a young age. Suddenly , you find your 12 year old demanding Iphones and calling you names and you wonder where you went wrong.
Do I have a solution to offer, yes I do, and it won't be popular . My solution is, make a choice, either you want to be a parent or you don't. In both conditions they are perks and then they are things you will miss out on. Both scenarios need sacrifices and commitment. This is one scenario where you shouldn't try to have the cake and eat it too.I agree children should make their own choices, yet when they young, they need to be taught by parents how to weigh the pros and cons, they must be taught about consequences. They must be taught to stick to their choice even when things get tough. Life is fun and beautiful but there are days when its rains, or there maybe harsh cold winters or scorching summers like India. It is a parents job to teach them how to deal with them. saying No is not a bad thing, it just needs to be explained logically as you would to another adult.
I have a lot more to say, this is one topic I can go on and on, so,....part 2 coming up :)
I may not have enough data to support my case here, and perhaps the demographics I have, ( my friends, classmates, colleagues, clients) are skewed. even so, I believe I tapped into something here. During my three years in Germany, parenthood, was an eye opener for me. Parents there knew how to set limits with an understanding, that children are individuals too. Every Individual, young or old, have certain basic needs, food, rest, safety, sex to name a few. They have individual thoughts, understanding, questions that need answering and dreams/desires. German parents seem to understand this very well.
I remember my first visit to the gynaecologist there, apart from my story, I was so impressed when I was informed that most mothers there, bring their daughters in for their check ups as well as get them on contraceptive pills. I was , to be honest a bit scandalised and I spoke to my doctor about it. She explained to me, this one step ensures there are very rare cases of teenage pregnancies. It teaches the daughters to take responsibility for their bodies and their actions.
I met few girls,who got married very young, I found that odd, I thought they have so much freedom, why did they throw it all away? I spoke to one, who had married an Indian, she said, she fell in love, she had explored her sexuality, she was happy in her job, she was ready for marriage. I marvelled at her maturity at such a young age. In India, parents still insist on choosing your career and your spouse for you. They decide what age is appropriate for marriage. Suddenly people are getting married in their late 20s and even 30s, yet the parents believe their children have no sex drive.Mumbai, is perhaps one City here in India, where young people have an open sex life. I doubt they are open about it with their parents.
I remember when my first friend in Germany, broke up with her long term steady boy friend, she took leave from her studies and crashed at her parents place. She refused to go out to meet friends, stopped taking calls. Her parents nurtured her, they understood her pain. She was never broken to the extent I've seen Indian girls, because she had the cushion of her parents love and support. She knew they were there for her.
Another friend of my ex-husband and mine was the son of a very rich doctor there. They openly discussed death and his will. His two elder sisters and he, openly told their father, they would like to sell their huge house, because they would not live there and the money would help them start their lives. It was amazing how openly, and without malice children and parents there spoke about every thing under the sun. I wouldn't dare say a lot of things to my parents for fear of being called rude, impertinent, shameless and lot more things. I can never openly tell them when things they say and do hurt me. I can never expect them to understand forget support me in case of a broken heart. I know they will judge me by certain standard of decorum and "good girl" parameters from a different century.
The children of this generation, went to another extreme. They hated the boundaries that were so stifling. They couldn't rebel more than an extent,, and today , with their children they are just no boundaries. No limits to the toys, no bed time, I am not kidding when I say I've seen children 8 years and younger , out at restaurants and movie theatre past 12 or 1. I see them at wedding and parties. They throw tantrums, get cranky, the parents over indulgent swing into suddenly strict, confusing the child. Parents, allow the children to watch television shows with content of sexual nuances, double meaning jokes, violence, without explaining sex or the beautiful aspect of it to their children. Our boys grow up expecting all women to wear slinky clothes and be sex objects or dull , drab, ugly women with no men in their lives. Either their life is filled to the very hour , by extra curricular activities or they are just left to their own devices. The parents want to continue their lives, have fun , go partying, they want to work and enjoy the freedom. No one is willing to make sacrifices. Either maids end up raising the children, or the children are exposed to things they shouldn't be at a young age. Suddenly , you find your 12 year old demanding Iphones and calling you names and you wonder where you went wrong.
Do I have a solution to offer, yes I do, and it won't be popular . My solution is, make a choice, either you want to be a parent or you don't. In both conditions they are perks and then they are things you will miss out on. Both scenarios need sacrifices and commitment. This is one scenario where you shouldn't try to have the cake and eat it too.I agree children should make their own choices, yet when they young, they need to be taught by parents how to weigh the pros and cons, they must be taught about consequences. They must be taught to stick to their choice even when things get tough. Life is fun and beautiful but there are days when its rains, or there maybe harsh cold winters or scorching summers like India. It is a parents job to teach them how to deal with them. saying No is not a bad thing, it just needs to be explained logically as you would to another adult.
I have a lot more to say, this is one topic I can go on and on, so,....part 2 coming up :)
.... NOW that's a super way for any parent just starting a family or with an existing family to start understanding parenting ... where are you placed as a parent ... following your own parent's pattern or following some hotch-potch patterns guided partly by guide books, partly by hearsay and partly some half-baked half formulated advice :) ... this is nice people :)
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