Half way in shadow, half way in light...

I almost believe religion is a hindrance to spirituality. I talk, not just of the clergymen, the various pandits, priests and maulavis. I talk of the scriptures and rituals.I am not yet attained, I am no ascended master, I am still a mere student of metaphysics and spirituality.
As a student of this path I studied energy, power of words, ( be it through affirmations, prayers or letters), I practice healing, therapy. I studied tarot palmistry, astrology. I studied various religions. I love reading Zen stories, Aesop's fables. I find stories from "moral of the story " kinds, to films, novels, children stories , they always teach me something. i have found profound spiritual learnings from authors like Ayn Rand.

I have always found religion very constricting. Well meaning, as the stories maybe, they used fear and guilt to try to make the followers better people. Stories sometimes lead you to believe its good to be selfish. To illustrate this, here is a story I heard as a child during the Diwali festival.The story was about a princess, who banished by the king, her father and married off to the poorest man found on their land. To cut a long story short, this woman when given an opportunity and given a boon by the neighboring king, asked him , that on Diwali eve, no one in their kingdom should clean their houses or light up the houses. This lead  Goddess Laxmi ( goddess of wealth), to come to her home only, as that was the only one lit. The princess becomes wealthier than her father. The story meant to teach us destiny, fate, providence whatever you may call it, is stronger than any individual. Yet the question I had was, why be selfish. This princess could have been blessed in some other form, she was rewarded for being selfish. She only asked for wealth for herself. She denied everyone else the joy of celebration.

I do not understand mindless rituals as well. I believe , God, the creator of everything in this universe, could not, need any thing we could offer. The only thing we truly have, which is our own to offer , out of our choice is our love and our faith. Why would God, who creates life want offerings of buffaloes, goats or flowers even. Why would he want us to waste milk on his idol, wouldn't he rather, we give it to a poor child? I love incense, I love ringing the bell and burning camphor. I am aware these help me, concentrate my focus, it helps me integrate my heart and mind and go deep into meditation. I'm sure these rituals were made to help us, not to please God.

God who believes, as any parent would, all his children are equal. He loves them equally. When one child works hard and gets a good result, the other viles his time away and flunks, the fault lies not with the parent. The mother carried both in her womb and endured pain during labor for both. So is the case with God, as per our karma, we have different levels of comforts, luxuries, success and failure. He loves us, irrespective. Religion divides. It goes against the very fibre of God. What parent likes to see his children hating each other, fighting over small details. As every parent, God too wants us to live in harmony.

I am still halfway in shadow and halfway in light. I still give in to emotions, get into attachments, I still like to enjoy small things in life like good food, sex, movies, I feel happy and sad.I have moments of doubt, insecurities and fears. Like I said, I'm not attained, yet what life teaches me. What I understand of God, from his very creations. God, who gives life, loves, forgives, teaches, I understand from everyday aspects of life. God lies in small things in life. Religion takes you away from God. Religion divides, it makes you hostile, intolerant, judgmental and selfish, it propagates ego, not surrender. I'm yet a student. I choose spirituality over religion. I make this choice everyday.